Cooking with Neelix: Today is a Good Day to Dine

by Neelix, Patissier

3rd January 2021

"There are varieties of gagh?"

"Oh, yes. I can remember what each one tastes like, and the way they feel when you swallow them. Torgud gagh wiggles. Filden gagh squirms. Meshta gagh jumps."

- Kira Nerys and Ezri Dax, "Prodigal Daughter" Star Trek: Deep Space 9

What could be better than savoring the delicacies offered by our fellow species of the galaxy? What says home more than Acamarian parthas, Cardassian yamok sauce, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Nothing, in this chef's mind. Welcome again. I'm your host, Neelix, and do I have an exciting file to share with you today. Not only does the chef I've been studying have more culinary talent in his little finger than most people do in their whole bodies, but it's a massive finger too. His name is Kaga and he's the owner and operator of the Klingon restaurant in DS9's promenade. Promenade. That just sounds nice. And while his selection of delicacies haven't been too popular with my old Voyager crewmates - honestly, for a people so squeamish about their dietary needs, you'd think they'd enjoy food equally squirm-ish; the words are close, anyway - I have no doubt that you'll enjoy a nice serving of gagh for dessert.

For a while, surrounding the Day of Honor, I tried to incorporate some of the Klingon language into my repertoire with my crew, but the Universal Translator kept translating my, "ghagh teq 'or?" into a rather impolite "What will you have?" After programming the computer to ignore the translation of that phrase, all I got was blank stares. Well, B'Elanna rolled her eyes. However, not so with Kaga. He spoke entirely in Klingonese to his clientele and seemed to get on famously. In addition, I hear he played a mean concertina. (My research suggests it's similar to an "accordion," so I'll assume both were invented in the Berlin area of Qo'noS.) Kaga himself has had a full life, spending time on the Qu'Vat colony and Beta Lankal before finding himself working for pirates in the Ariannus Passage, each of which formed a part of who he became. Luckily, he found his way to Deep Space 9, where he worked through the Dominion occupation, providing good-quality vittles to whomever paid.

And thus, we arrive at our recipe for this entry: gagh. I can already start to hear the groans permeating backwards through the temporal threshold and across a quadrant from those humans of you enjoying this series and my own Talaxian ears, so let me assuage you now: this is not one of the fifty-one varieties of gagh that the Klingons recognize. I will do away with my usual prodding to try something new and give you all what you desire deep down: synthetic gagh. Oh, how you enjoy the synthetic. Synthetic meat, synthetic alcohol... I hear synthetic people are making a comeback. I will use my regular artistic flair to allow you all to say you ate gagh without having to dig them up yourself.

Ingredients:

• 1 package instant pudding mix (and associated required ingredients)
• 1 bag gummy worms
• a package sandwich cookies with chocolate wafers and crème filling (such as Oreos)

Directions:

Make pudding as described on the package. When putting in the refrigerator to set, instead insert a reasonable number of gummy worms. Crush sandwich cookies and sprinkle over the top until covered. Put in refrigerator to set. Spoon out on individual plates.

Real Author's Note: The overall effect is worms in a cup of dirt. My mother would often use thoroughly cleaned terra cotta pots and plastic plants for a greater effect, but that kind of takes away from the Klingon feel. As an option, maybe eat with your fingers and sing songs of the hunt.

Next time on Cooking with Neelix: The main course.

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