The Mirror Universe Has Been Targeted for Sexecution

by Niall Matthew, Not Suitable for Readers Under 18

17th September 2015

For those of you that are not familiar with me, consider yourself lucky.

My name is Niall AKA The Sexecutioner, and I like to make my games of Star Trek: Customizable Card Game as sexually depraved as possible. Sometimes I'll create mass orgies on board U.S.S. Voyager, sometimes I will make the Borg Queen insert her tubules into Seven of Nine, other times I will scream 'SPACE BOOBS!!!' whenever personnel like Leeta, Kilana, or the Orion Slave Girls enter play. I've even been known to refer to the Ba'ku planet as 'insert erection'. Whatever deck I play, I find an innuendo for everything.

When I got the call from J to write up some articles for Crossover, I did not get a choice as to which cards I would be writing about. I was immediately given a Vulcan Love Slave and the The Intendant's Quarters

I (anal)lysed the first of those cards on Tuesday, now it's time for seconds... 

The Intendant's Quarters is a new site for Mirror Terok Nor. It plays in the Habitat Ring and is unique. The first function is the usual 'blah blah blah can report here'. You can report everyone's favorite KCA leader, The Intendant, directly to her own bed, along with Ezri, Bariel, and Mr. Sisko - or even download them there in place of a card play using Ops: Mirror Universe. The Intendant is not particular about classification, species, or gender. In fact, they're so horny for some Bajoran ridge rubbing those personnel will even report for free via Emblem of the Alliance.

The final function makes me very happy in my pants. Just like the Love Café, you can stop The Intendant and one other personnel to draw a card. We all know what this implies; get some lovin' going on to increase your 'hand'.

So what type of scenarios can you create with this card? Let's combine the Quarters with Study Divergent History to get maximum effect.

-Have a Dax threesome; join in counting the spots as Captain Dax seduces Lenara Kahn and Jadzia Dax in that lovely Original Series uniform.

-Ooh Mox; they say that nobody knows how to turn you on better than yourself, so why not let Mr. Quark and his opposite explore each other's lobes.

-Play out your favorite Kirk/Spock fan fiction. Though, you'll need to find your own way to get the Classic Tricorder there.

-Have a threesome; The Intendant doesn't care about age either, so kidnap Sergey and Helena from the Alpha Quadrant and let them feel young again.

-Erotic novels; you can file mission reports here. So why not get points for talking dirty to the Intendant when you complete a mission.

[Editor's Note: a bullet point was removed here which mentioned cutting a hole in an adjacent site card. This is not recommended and is in clear violation of the OPG.] 

Don't forget that this card allows any player's Intendant to get some (draws). So if your opponent is also playing an Alliance deck, get some double Intendant love on the go as she can stop any personnel present, even the opposing Intendant. Oh myyyyyyyyy......

So prepare a (deck), draw out your opening hand, and get that Intendant into her favorite position: the Mirror Universe just got sexy...

(The Intendant likes to be rewarded for her services. Kindly donate to the Continuing Committee so they can carry on making innovative cards such as this.)